and iran … iran’s so far awaaaay

heard ahmedinejad’s cheery blathering on npr this morning. you know, idi amin smiled a lot, too.


sometimes on bright, sunny days when i’m high, i dream of having the level of political discourse in this country to acknowledge why iran is (and should be) more frightened of us than we are (or should be) of them.


sure, our military is stretched, as bilbo baggins said, “thin, like butter spread over too much bread,” but that was never the threat. far more threatening than cluster bombs are 17-year-old boys and girls getting hold of pirated tarantino dvds.


and with their president simultaneously seeking to maintain a strangehold on the import of western culture into his country while at the same time disingenuously admitting to steve inskeep he enjoys some western media, you can count on iran’s young populace to come as close to outlaws as they can without risking state-sponsored mutilation. (i’m assuming they don’t put angry scorpions on your eyes if you’re caught with a dvd of “the dark knight.”)


meanwhile, has the u.s. EVER experienced the “threat” of imported culture compromising our very way of life? even the exaggerated ties between labor and communism in the 20th century pale in comparison to the opening of a single pizza hut in a muslim country.

Published in: on September 23, 2008 at 1:57 pm  Leave a Comment  

god’s wrath visits heathen celebrities

just thought i’d beat the convervative xtian assholes to the punch. in case you’ve been under a rock.

sounds really scary, actually. it might even wipe out one of my childhood treasures, magic mountain. which would also destroy most physical evidence of the filming of “kiss meets the phantom of the park.” maybe it’s a fair cop.

Published in: on October 23, 2007 at 3:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

vapid viewing and voluptuous vixens

okay, have we finally reached the point yet where we can get past this whole “reality tv is the seventh sign of the apocalypse” and just revel in the end times already?

i mean, we’ve got to get our shit together, people. these farkakta christians keep clamoring about the rapture, and if they’re right, then first of all, my jack chick comics are gonna be worth a FORTUNE on ebay. second, we better get our heathen culture together to prepare for such a “calamity” (a world without christians? uh, oh well … ), and what better way than by watching mtv’s “a shot at love with tila tequila?”

now, i’ll admit that my pop culture chops must be waning, cos i had no idea who tila tequila was when my new hot new york writer chick girlfriend came to stay and asked if we could watch it for her own selfish media analysis. (man, i guess it’s time to finally trade in some of my old cultural references like mike douglas and paul lynde for some from THIS century.)

and normally girls with the last name of nguyen (tequila’s real last name) get my attention. but i have to admit that this reality show alum (evidently she was on “surviving nugent,” which, even though i know all the words to such motor city madman classics as “wang dang sweet poontang,” i couldn’t sit through for longer than 30 seconds) is a little bit skanky … even for ME (like, i’d bang a couple of the “flavor of love” girls, and that’s a commitment to the power of skank that should be above reproach). the girl makes christina ricci’s character in “black snake moan” look like the food network’s sandra lee (a wholesome lady whose face i’d love to smash into one of her table displays while i pound her potpourri-scented snatch).

the premise of the show is classic “mainstream shock.” another reality dating show, “a shot at love” features a twist. it takes the editors a good two minutes to sloooooowly reveal her scandalous secret. jaded fuck that i am, i’m practically expecting her to whip out a pre-op cock from the confines of her one-piece swimsuit. instead, she reveals that she’s (gasp!) … bisexual! which, here in san francisco, is far less scandalous than admitting you watch mtv.

i’m not even sure bisexuality is shocking in sheboygan at this point. but the camera sure did get a variety of open-mouthed looks of horror from the assortment of jocky, jerkoff male contestants involved.

the pilot episode was almost unbearably stupid. for me, of course, the half of the show focusing on the preening male contestants was the worst of it, but the scantily-clad lesbo-stripper (i mean, every single one of these broads looked like she had just hopped off the pole … you’d think there was no such thing as a humble, well-scrubbed lesbian) segment wasn’t much more enthralling.

somehow, though, the editors (unsung heroes of the reality show) somehow made the clips from upcoming episodes look somewhat interesting. this is coming from someone who can’t ever see ENOUGH girlfights, though, so …

but if it fails to follow through on its “potential,” there’s always the upcoming kim kardashian show on e!. yum. for now, though, i’m happy to suspend my two-dimensional covetesness for actual, real girl. a novel thought for me lately.

Published in: on October 12, 2007 at 10:12 pm  Comments (2)  
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