vapid viewing and voluptuous vixens

okay, have we finally reached the point yet where we can get past this whole “reality tv is the seventh sign of the apocalypse” and just revel in the end times already?

i mean, we’ve got to get our shit together, people. these farkakta christians keep clamoring about the rapture, and if they’re right, then first of all, my jack chick comics are gonna be worth a FORTUNE on ebay. second, we better get our heathen culture together to prepare for such a “calamity” (a world without christians? uh, oh well … ), and what better way than by watching mtv’s “a shot at love with tila tequila?”

now, i’ll admit that my pop culture chops must be waning, cos i had no idea who tila tequila was when my new hot new york writer chick girlfriend came to stay and asked if we could watch it for her own selfish media analysis. (man, i guess it’s time to finally trade in some of my old cultural references like mike douglas and paul lynde for some from THIS century.)

and normally girls with the last name of nguyen (tequila’s real last name) get my attention. but i have to admit that this reality show alum (evidently she was on “surviving nugent,” which, even though i know all the words to such motor city madman classics as “wang dang sweet poontang,” i couldn’t sit through for longer than 30 seconds) is a little bit skanky … even for ME (like, i’d bang a couple of the “flavor of love” girls, and that’s a commitment to the power of skank that should be above reproach). the girl makes christina ricci’s character in “black snake moan” look like the food network’s sandra lee (a wholesome lady whose face i’d love to smash into one of her table displays while i pound her potpourri-scented snatch).

the premise of the show is classic “mainstream shock.” another reality dating show, “a shot at love” features a twist. it takes the editors a good two minutes to sloooooowly reveal her scandalous secret. jaded fuck that i am, i’m practically expecting her to whip out a pre-op cock from the confines of her one-piece swimsuit. instead, she reveals that she’s (gasp!) … bisexual! which, here in san francisco, is far less scandalous than admitting you watch mtv.

i’m not even sure bisexuality is shocking in sheboygan at this point. but the camera sure did get a variety of open-mouthed looks of horror from the assortment of jocky, jerkoff male contestants involved.

the pilot episode was almost unbearably stupid. for me, of course, the half of the show focusing on the preening male contestants was the worst of it, but the scantily-clad lesbo-stripper (i mean, every single one of these broads looked like she had just hopped off the pole … you’d think there was no such thing as a humble, well-scrubbed lesbian) segment wasn’t much more enthralling.

somehow, though, the editors (unsung heroes of the reality show) somehow made the clips from upcoming episodes look somewhat interesting. this is coming from someone who can’t ever see ENOUGH girlfights, though, so …

but if it fails to follow through on its “potential,” there’s always the upcoming kim kardashian show on e!. yum. for now, though, i’m happy to suspend my two-dimensional covetesness for actual, real girl. a novel thought for me lately.

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Published in: on October 12, 2007 at 10:12 pm  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Come the rapture, we are all going to cash in on our Chick Tracts. Of course, Dinosaurs will be roaming the earth again, huh?! This is new to me. You will dig THIS: there are 9 short films based on actual Chick tracts over at http://www.316now.com. “Bewitched?” (my favorite) is one of them. Also, “Doom Town”. Some funny stuff. You will dig, as I said before. Thanks for you post and the good laugh it gave me.

  2. thanks, i gotta check these out! too bad they don’t have my favorite, “the beast.” maybe it would have required a hollywood budget?


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