earthquake reveals need for new slippers

so i was totally nerding out and taking out the bonus materials dvd of ‘spider-man 3’ when i heard the building groan and felt the earthquake last night.

and while i had just recently stated my views on this matter, i have to admit that the very first thing i thought of was the “ironic” pink fuzzy slippers with a big blue flower on them that i was wearing at the time. they were bought as a joke for me, but when my main manly slippers finally gave out, i was forced to resort to these.

sure, this one wasn’t very strong, but we’re not through this yet. luckily, christmastime is a good time to buy slippers.

Published in: on October 31, 2007 at 10:40 am  Leave a Comment  
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‘the daily show’ ripped me off!

is nothing sacred, for fuck’s sake?

ehh, i guess imitation is the sincerest form of fuckery flattery. at least i know in my heart i did it first.

fuck president – schwarzenegger for f├╝hrer

i’ve been over making fun of the whole “governator” thing for a while. at this point, knee-jerk reactions to arnold’s initial foibles are just uninformed.

and today’s news is a good example of why. sure, his spinsters are gonna clean it up stateside, but whatever.

not to mention the way he looked during last week’s fire disaster. in one press conference, he loomed over scrawny girly-man michael chertoff with massive arms folded and a potent scowl, as if saying with his body language, “do this right or i will hurt you.”

and i could swear by the look on chertoff’s face that he’d be thankful to get outta there with his ass intact, let alone his lunch money.

having just seen ‘300’ again, it got me thinking about ancient times when those with power actually HAD physical power. when i saw that press conference, i had no shortage of confidence in the state’s leader to get shit done lest someone end up getting their head popped like a pimple between the governor’s mighty thumb and index finger.

maybe louisiana should have had apollo creed when katrina hit.

a great day for porn!

first, a great victory for adult entertainment in specific, but also first amendment rights in general! it’s certainly not the last work, but let us bask while we can, yes?

also, 10zenmonkeys has published my interview with hillary scott from this year’s avn expo/awards, along with a meme that i’ve been working on for a bit, racism in porn.

CWILF Island

check out my new piece on 10zenmonkeys. it’s all about the new rage in superficial politics – CWILFs (candidate wives i’d like to fuck).

good timing, too.

god’s wrath visits heathen celebrities

just thought i’d beat the convervative xtian assholes to the punch. in case you’ve been under a rock.

sounds really scary, actually. it might even wipe out one of my childhood treasures, magic mountain. which would also destroy most physical evidence of the filming of “kiss meets the phantom of the park.” maybe it’s a fair cop.

Published in: on October 23, 2007 at 3:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

REAL time with “real time”

bill maher is a douchebag nazi reactionary who hates free speech and fluffy puppies?

well, juh.

great show, though. probably his best. (for the record, i’m not the biggest bill fan – we’re a good example of how divergent two pot smokers’ opinions can be.) it definitely shows him for the reactionary he is – he may want to forget, but i’ll always remember being skeeved out by his willingness to go to iraq in the beginning.

god bless hbo for not editing the whole shitstorm out. not every network is smart enough to realize compelling tv when they see it.

Published in: on October 22, 2007 at 11:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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oh holy shit we’re all gonna die

i can’t believe a mere few years ago that i had hardly any neuroses at all. how things have changed.

today, we’ll focus on my post-katrina problems. it’s weird, but my reaction to 9/11 wasn’t so much fear as anger. i’ve always felt that those assholes had their chance to cause chaos to that extent, and that they’d likely never pull it off again. certainly the last few years have borne me out.

katrina, however, was a different story. mostly, i guess, because of my own region’s vulnerability to environmental catastrophe.

now, don’t get me wrong, i’m no pussy. i’ve lived in this state all my life, and you learn to cope with these things. i slept thru two of the strongest quakes we’ve ever recorded, so that might give you an impression of my superior moral and genetic construction.

but it’s not the earthquake itself that frightens me. because i’m a blockhead. it’s the katrina-esque madness that would follow that scares the bejeezus outta me.

luckily, i live in a neighborhood of sf that’s expected to fare “reasonably” well during the actual quake, due to its foundation of bedrock. and because many in the city deem glen park “the suburbs,” it won’t exactly be ground zero for looting and shit like that (except from me – the safeway a block from my house will definitely help sunnyside residents survive the 72 hours the city has reminded us will be like the lord of the fuckin’ flies in terms of city service and support).

my friend ray just bought a house in san bruno, and because of katrina we decided it will make a good triage center for friends. his place is usually a staging area for burning man, which i’m sure will prove to be good training for the disaster aftermath. apart from the criminal element (we’re currently furiously debating whether or not we should have a shotgun on hand, which his gun-toting fiancee not only supports but insists upon) and fire, i can’t imagine surviving for three days on the peninsula would be more of a challenge than staying alive in the nevada desert for a week.

and what’s funny to me is that most californians who i describe this emergency disaster plan to either look at me with vague admiration or odd revulsion, like i’m talking about setting up wi-fi in my fallout shelter while perfecting my makeshift toilet.

most californians are, of course, in complete denial when it comes to earthquakes. they either have lived here all their life and have become jaded to years of predictions of doom, or haven’t lived here long enough to know how truly terrifying the concept can be. and that denial is crucial to the california economy, and therefor the nation’s. forget a fuckin’ earthquake – the bigger disaster would be if every golden state resident suddenly realized they were sitting on multiple nuclear weapons that can go off anytime, without warning.

just this morning i was talking to a girl at work who had got a good scare yesterday when the iffy elevator here shuddered and threatened to leave her trapped inside. but when i mentioned the chronicle article, she switched to superficial mode and said “i’ve been hearing that crap since i was a little girl,” not realizing that this is what makes it true. the idea that seismologists (some who continue to live here, some who become scared/smart enough to leave) like to tell us that we’re all gonna be fucked someday is misguided, at best.

maybe i’ll start taking the stairs.

steve insists he’s relevant

cosmic blatherings blogger steve robles insisted yesterday that his blog was absolutely relevant, despite a total lack of readers.

“i’m relevant!” robles exclaimed while jumping up and down at his residence, underneath a bridge where he daily scares small children. “i’m relevant, i’m relevant, i’m relevant!” he continued, to absolutely nobody at all.

when asked to prove his relevance, robles declined to elaborate, choosing instead to launch into a diatribe about how jews and mexicans are conspiring to take over the world, and how he’s taken a vow of chastity “until next time.”

what i’m talking about.

Published in: on October 17, 2007 at 9:53 pm  Leave a Comment  

my fear of tv commitment

even though i’m a total media trollop, i’ve actually not been able to commit to a series for a long time. sure, i followed “the sopranos,” but that required about as much commitment as a weeknight fuck buddy (not much).

i’ve attempted to get over this fear of commitment for the last couple of years. last year, it was “24,” which i managed to stick with for a good, ionno, five or six weeks straight. then i started making those awful excuses – “need to get to bed early,” etc.

this year it’s “californication,” i suppose, with “weeds” coming in a close second. the fact that they’re paired up on showtime enables this, of course, but is certainly no guarantor of success. but i figured that would be a good start at breaking down my inhibitions (“dexter” seems a bit intense for me, even though i’ve kinda got a hardon for that chick from “the exorcism of emily rose.” mmm, demonic hotties …

thing is, “californication” for me has as much going against it as for it. it’s certainly a little bit too close for comfort to me – david duchovny playing a blocked writer gliding off of past achievements while drunkenly engaging in meaningless “relationships” as he pines for the one that got away. whether i have a “one that got away” is under debate, for sure, but the drunken writer who’s seen better days … uh, yeah.

my other problem is the idea of writers writing about a writer. masturbatory, for sure. it would be so easy to glorify this awful sense of self-loathing that writers “enjoy,” and as i begin my experiment with tv recommitment, i’m not at all convinced that this isn’t exactly what’s going on with “californication.” but i’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and see how it works out.

which might not be so well for duchovny’s character, hank moody, considering the 16-year-old he fucked is about to be part of the family (his ex’s fiancee’s daughter … ouch), and stole the only copy of the new manuscript this douche has been working on since “mash” was still on the air or some crap. now she’s pitching it to agents! any writer worth his/her salt will tell you that a jail sentence for statutory rape (even when it was practically she who raped him) would be far more merciful.

sure, duchovny’s good. what’s not to like? the guy’s got a sense of humor, doesn’t take himself too seriously, despite being a pretty good actor. oh yeah, he’s got a huge schlork. an unpretentious richard gere with milton berle’s cock? i changed my mind, there’s plenty not to like.

not sure what the whole attitude about women is here, either. except for moody’s overly idyllic ex, most of the females here seem to have little going for them apart from the tits and ass they wield to get what they want. and like a true hypocrite, i’m awfully uncomfortable once i get a whiff of misogyny. god, i hope that’s just misogyny i smell.

anyway, we’ll see how far i get with this one. hopefully my ability to maintain a relationship with a tv show will outpace hank moody’s ability to maintain a relationship with a woman other than his ex and their daughter. or maybe they’ll fall apart at right about the same time.

Published in: on October 16, 2007 at 10:28 pm  Leave a Comment  
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